Tuesday, 1 November 2011

It's all in your head!

I used to start off — and this is lowballing it — 20% of my sentences with something synonymous to “I know I’m being overly analytical, but…”

I would then, of course, proceed to be overly analytical. About everything. But mostly nothing. And more nothing. And no one ever stopped me.

See, instead, they listened to me. Agreed with me. Metaphorically dissected with me. Led me to believe that it was normal and acceptable and a good use of time to spend my Fridays data mining my surroundings.

And this is how I lost sleep over things like questionable punctuation and suspicious rescheduling of activities and cryptic eye contact and what does it all meeeeeaaaaan? Because I didn’t have someone around to tell me to knock it the fuck off.

Because I didn’t have someone around to tell me that sometimes “I just think we should be friends” means they really, truly just want to be your friend. Sometimes you were wearing a red dress in your dream because you had to wear something. Sometimes when people are short with you, they’re just having a bad day. Sometimes their CAPS LOCK WAS JUST ACCIDENTALLY ON. Sometimes it was an honest mistake. Sometimes an ambiguous status update has nothing to do with you, because, you know, they know other people too. Sometimes they really were busy. Sometimes they were trying to be polite, not sexist. Sometimes people we just on a lot of cocaine. Sometimes it was just a coincidence, not a sign.

Sometimes there just isn’t any deeper meaning.

Also, your best friend doesn’t know or care what your mother-in-law/your crush/that girl at the shops wore/that post on your Facebook wall/your dog really meant any more than you do. She wants you to stop calling her at 1 a.m. and e-mailing her at work with subjects like “URGENT!!! IS THIS FREAKY OR IS THIS FREAKY???”

Your boyfriend originally thought it was cute and quirky that you told him that your zodiac signs are basically incompatible, but with a lot of work, you just might make it. However, now he’s starting to think you’re kind of weird.

Your Facebook friends are beginning to hide you from their newsfeed en masse. You are that friend.

And your mom has been screening your calls lately. Last week, when she told you to just “let it be,” she meant to just let her be.

(By the way, this is your sign to knock it the fuck off.)

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