There are some fine lines in life that regrettably just can’t be averted by generously applying firming anti-gravity mixtures of unicorn tears and Scandinavian spring water while mainlining Botox. These include (but are not limited to) the following:
When you realize that you’ve added “pregaming” to your before-bed routine, does that make you an alcoholic or a human?
When you put on your Wonderbra for a first date, do you appear sexy or do you appear to have just successfully Photoshopped yourself in real life?
When someone starts telling you a story and ten seconds in, all you can think is OH MY GOD HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO BORING, but you humour them anyway, does that make you a good listener or a bad friend?
When you play the lottery, does that make you an optimist or, like, really, really, really bad at probability?
When you’re convinced that the only reason you and your celebrity crush have yet to tie the knot is because he hasn’t met you yet, are you a crazy confidant or a crazy delusional person?
When you’re visibly intoxicated in >50% of your Facebook pictures, are you a budding socialite or a definite train wreck?
When you know all of the words to Justin Bieber’s “Baby,” are you Justin Bieber or should control of the car radio/anything/everything never be left in your hands?
When you’re constantly looking for ways to lose weight without incorporating any form of exercise into your daily routine, are you really ambitious or really lazy?
When your boyfriend leaves your house and tells you he’ll call you when he gets home and 6 hours later — nothing — so you naturally assume he must have died and call him 25 times in a row, are you super caring or super creepy?
When you tweet more words than you speak per day, are you a social media expert or a social pariah?
When your friend’s cheekbones finally start to show at age 25, do you assume she’s dabbling in plastic surgery or that she’s dabbling in meth?
When you take note of the fact that your OK Cupid date severely misrepresented his height, weight, eyebrow situation, and sense of humor, are you being observant or being judgmental?
And when you know more about what the Kardashians did over the weekend than what some politician did wherever politicians do things, does that make you selectively up to date with current events or everything that’s wrong with our generation?